Starting Again.

I looked at this blog today and was shocked that I haven't posted anything since MAY! I really don't want this blog to die, even if no one even reads it. I felt like this could become something special if only to remind myself where I am on my faith journey. I stopped posting mainly because I didn't know where to go. I talked about my journey through the RCIA program and how it felt the first time I took the Eucharist, but what to talk about after that,... I didn't know which direction I wanted to turn. I could talk about my husband's journey and how amazing it was to watch his eyes and heart open like a rose budding when he discovered how incredible a walk with Christ could be. I could talk about watching my week-old baby being baptized and how I promised right there to make sure he grew up loving the church as much as I do. But,.. although it sounds selfish,.. this is about me. This is about my faith and me sharing my faith with ... whomever. So I will try to be better about this because it is very important to me and I hope it means something to whomever reads it.

I had a meeting with our priest yesterday; just a friendly "get to know you" chat. I talked about some questions that have been on my mind about moral vs. religion, heaven, natural healing and the church's laws. Father Moore is an awesome teacher and a kindred spirit. He is knowledgeable like a professor, but approachable like a friend. I always liked my professors at the University of St. Thomas, but they were sometimes a bit intimidating to have a relaxed conversation with and as a parishioner, I need someone I can feel at home with.

I told Father Moore that I have the hardest time with remembering to talk to God. I remember when I eat (sometimes) and when I say Braxton's nite nite prayers with him (he started signing himself, too cute), but in my day to day activities, I easily forget to pray. He suggested that I start my mornings off with a morning offering prayer. As soon as I wake up, he said I should pray and let God know that I'm dedicating the days activities to Him. (I forgot this morning ... typical... but I'm going to keep trying). He also gave me a book of daily meditations to help me find my focus and put it where it belongs. I hope that I can center myself back to the cross where my heart belongs and I thank God for being patient while He waits for me to remember to talk to Him.

I've been considering what to write next and have been thinking I might have peaked too early. I mean, where do you go after Easter? Ironically enough, this was a question I had in my head after I entered the church. RCIA classes last for about a month after Easter is over, but then what? Its the same question that plagues college graduates. When you're in classes, you know what you are doing. You pay attention (sometimes), you get good grades (hopefully), and you work towards a goal. Then the time comes to enter the real world and you have all sorts of directions to go in, but you have to choose. How do you choose? What if you choose poorly? Its like being a mouse in a maze with walls to guide you and now there are no walls. These are my thoughts, slightly magnified, but how I felt none the less. Obviously I would follow Christ, there's never been any question about that,... but now in such new ways.

As any Catholic convert would tell you I'm sure, the body and blood affects you in ways you never thought were possible. I've always considered the Lord's supper to be the real deal. Growing up in the church of Christ, I would concentrate on those little crackers as if Christ himself had broken them up and passed the plate to me. I would sip the grape juice cup with a visual in my mind of standing at the base of the cross, lifting my mouth, and having that precious blood drip onto my tongue. (sorry if that's a bit gruesome for you but that's what I saw). I was surprised to learn that it is supposed to be a symbol and not the real thing. I honestly didn't know this until I was in the process of becoming catholic. Now that I've had a taste of holiness, I can never go back. I'm spoiled and I would starve.

This is something I've tried to explain to my family, not to convince them of how wrong they are or how right I am, but to help them understand how addicted I am to the Eucharist! I can't live without it. If you are a convert or a cradle catholic and have a story about how addicted you are to this awesome sacrament,.. I'd love to hear about it. I make silly little comments to Kody and my friends all the time about how I need my Jesus fix or how I gotta go to mass and get some Jesus food,.. but when it comes down to the reality of it: I need my sustenance. I need my oxygen. I need the one thing I can't live without: HIM

Easter Vigil

The most amazing night of the church calendar isn't Christmas; it's Easter Vigil. It happens the evening before Easter and is the night when new catholics enter the church. This was the night I had been looking forward to for so long.
Even though my family does not agree with my decision to become catholic, my mom and step-dad came to the ceremony which meant the world to me. My sponsor, Mary Ann, was not feeling very well that night and couldn't make it which was very sad, but Doris, a very wonderful lady was happy to substitute for her.
The mass is very long and involves these special events: lighting of the paschal candle, blessing of the water, baptisms of new catholics, confirmation, renewal of baptismal vows. I hope I'm not leaving anything out, but since we just had Easter its pretty fresh in my mind. The paschal candle that is lit that night represents Christ and will be used through out the year in the church. It is used on special occasions such as baptisms and funerals. The ceremony of lighting the candle happens outside where the priest blesses the fire and decorates the candle before lighting it. The decorations include a cross in the middle, the present year: to signify that Christ is present with us, the Greek letters: Alpha and Omega, and five grains of incense to represent the five wounds of Christ. The candle is led into a dark church to signify the light of Christ coming to light the darkness. Everyone holds a taper and one by one each person's candle is lit from the "Jesus candle" (made that one up). The symbolism is amazing.
Several (and I mean several) readings from Genesis into the New Testament are read outlining God's plan of salvation. The water at the baptismal font is then blessed and the new Christians are baptized. Following the baptisms, the candidates (new catholics that had already been baptized, like me) are confirmed into the church. This entire mass is beautiful and powerful, but I was focused on one part,.. my first communion.
A few weeks before we had a ceremony called the rite of sending where the bishop came and spoke to our class. During the ceremony, he read our names where we had signed them in the book of the elect. When he spoke to us, he spoke about the first time we go to receive Communion. About how we should have such a recognizable hunger for Christ which can only be quenched by the Eucharist. A hunger which everyone at the mass will notice in our eyes. This stuck with me because every mass feels that way: waiting patiently to get to the best part.
I've been working on this post for three days, trying to do this Holy night justice, but I don't think it is possible. A couple of years ago, I had the honor of watching my husband Kody become baptized and confirmed into the church and last year, we baptized our first child. Every Easter is like an anniversary for a converted catholic and an experience not to be missed. This year, I had the privilege of sharing the night with my friend Heather who was raised Mormon. I was a little surprised when she asked to go and she peppered me with questions! I loved it!!! Nothing like a curious first-timer to let you know if you know your stuff!
I hope this post makes you curious and inspires you to attend an Easter vigil sometime. No matter what your faith is, its a beautiful mass and an experience like no other!

Walking the Path

I have been thinking a lot for that past three days about what the next chapter in this story should be. Should I go into more detail about RCIA classes? Should I jump to Easter Vigil? How do I incorporate the things that are happening in my catholic walk today? I've decided that the Vigil deserves it's own post so we will hold off on that until tomorrow.

It has been such a long time since I went through RCIA that I confess I don't remember too many of the details (even though I've since been through it with Kody as his sponsor, the two parrishes did things very differently). The schedule we followed was to meet every Wednesday night around seven for the first three months and then twice a week starting in November. When you start meeting twice a week, you have to attend the Sunday mass at eight and have class after that. Its a very intense process and can really wear you out! When you're in that second half, part of your class is looking at the readings for the upcomming mass and discussing them. I really liked this part because I was not just listening to the readings, but studying them. One of the many great things about the Bible is how you can read a passage you've read a thousand times and, if you're paying attention, find something you never noticed before. This happened to me over and over again.

There was also AMAZING things happening in my life at this time. Prayers being answered much like it was with Mary Ann, this happend all the time and it was GREAT! Dreams that I had where I could hug Christ, feel his chest move as he breathed, and smell his hair. Some things that happened are sacred to me and I don't want to share them on here, but this was such an exciting time and so miraculous in my life. Thinking about it makes me sad that my life doesn't feel that way lately and makes me want to find a way to get it back.

During my classes, I was also a part of a women's retreat team which was incredible! There were dark areas in my life that this amazing group of women helped me to shed light on and prepared me for the time when I would receive the eucharist. I was starving for it. Starving with this incredible hunger that went into my soul. I was worried that I would get to Easter and not know the incredible pressence of Christ in the Eucharist and there would be no way that I would take it if I didn't understand it,... but I did. I totally got it. Every time I would go up for a blessing and pass by Him, I felt it. When I watched the priest hold it up and proclaim that the "Lamb of God" was just out of reach, I'd have to blink back the tears that came from the heartache of separation. I couldn't wait for Easter because I couldn't wait for HIM!

RCIA

The time to start classes was near and I knew I needed a sponsor to help me through the program. I knew a few people, but none of them seemed like the right fit. One morning, during daily mass, I notice this amazing lady sitting in a pew on the other side of the church. I watched her as she prayed with tears, sung the hymns from her heart, and was moved by how deep her spirituality seemed to change the atmosphere of the whole room. I prayed to God that I wanted to meet her, that I needed to meet her.
After mass, the door I usually used was locked for some odd reason and I had to use the exit right by her. As I started down the hall, she blocked my path. She pointed at me and said, "I wanna meet you!" I told her with a smile that I had been wanting to meet her too. This was the day I met Mary Ann Haley. Mary Ann is to this day one of the most amazing child of God I've ever met and truly and angel here on earth. Even though sponsors don't technically have to come until November, she was there on day one and never failed to be with me through it all.
The process of RCIA is intense and is designed so that people who have never even picked up a bible can keep up. This is the way it should be, but it was very frustrating to someone who had been memorizing scriptures since she was two! The first few weeks were about who God was and who Jesus was and I felt like someone who wanted steak and was being served an IV bag! But it did start to pick up and I learned to not be so confident that I knew everything. Going back to the basics is very good every now and then because when you think about it,... how much do I really know about who God is? I had to get my ego in check FAST.
Mary Ann left this earth the fall after I became catholic. She was like family to me and I will always miss her. There is a song in the play list at the bottom which always makes me think of her called "More than you'll ever know". Give it a listen and think about someone who has inspired you spiritually in a way you never knew possible.

Falling In Love

After that first mass, I couldn't wait to go back. I started attending Sunday mornings at 11 because there seemed to be more people my age then (it's hard to get up early when your young... with no babies), but everyone sort of scattered after mass and I wasn't meeting anyone. I heard that there is a mass almost every day of the week and that those masses are more intimate. I went by myself the first time on a Wednesday, I think. It was very different than Sunday mass, not nearly as dramatic and popular, but I loved it. It was kind of like meeting Jesus for coffee rather than going to hear him speak at a conference... if that makes sense. Sometimes I use too many metaphors.

I met a few people who worked with the youth and started asking about classes where I could ask questions and learn more about this catholic stuff. After mass, everyone would meet at the Rectory (home for unwed fathers.... lol I love that joke) and have coffee with Father Leo. I was so nervous. At mass I could try to blend in and no one would no I wasn't one of them, but if they started talking to me they'd know I was an invader from the outside. (No joke, I really felt this way). To my surprise, they didn't start throwing stones at my head and instead started asking me about the church I'd come from and what made me curious. I was told about RCIA. RCIA is a program that people who are interested in the catholic faith go through to either become catholic or just learn more about it. The classes were free but didn't start until August so I had some time to make sure this was what I wanted to do. It was.

My First Mass

My first mass I ever attended was on Pentecost Sunday in 2005. I was dating someone who was a cradle catholic who informed me that any kids we might have would be raised catholic. I decided I should see for myself how awful this evil church was. I had heard about catholic tradition from movies and books. Everyone is familiar with a Eucharistic scene where the priest "feeds" people little wafers and calls it "the body of Christ". I had seen Mighty Python's "Search for the Holy Grail" (classic), although I admit I didn't know what it was they were looking for since they never actually found it. All in all I only knew what I had heard. I had never met a priest, had never actually seen a nun, I don't think I had even seen a crucifix up close. That was all about to change.
I told him I'd only go if he promised to attend worship with me later at a local coc and he tentatively agreed. So the following Sunday I found myself walking for the first time into a catholic church. It wasn't a grand cathedral or anything that impressive, just a local parish. When I walked in my eyes began to take in all the unfamiliar sights: holy water fonts, stained glass with people wearing weird rings around their heads, and a large crucifix hanging over the altar. We sat in our pew and I began to people watch. I watched families find their pew and bow before entering. I watched them sit down, and hit their knees. They prayed to God when they first got to mass. This struck me in an amazing way because they weren't concerned who was sitting where or who was wearing what, they were setting their focus on Him.
The mass was different to say the least and I didn't know what to say (there's a lot of memorization that goes into the mass), I didn't know these songs, and I had to follow my boyfriend to know when to stand, sit, and kneel. All things considered,.. it was a lot to take in. But I was captivated. I was taken in by the fullness of it all. These people didn't just go through the motions (now don't get me wrong,. sometimes they do) but they were involved physically and emotionally. Everyone prayed together, everyone had lines to add, everyone had a gift to bring.
The Eucharistic part of the mass didn't mean much to me at that point and I just remained in my seat while everyone else went to receive their wafer and sip of wine. But something about the experience as a whole captured my heart and changed me even though I didn't know it yet. All I really knew was how much I couldn't wait to come back.